Coming Home

Home is what our heart longs for. It’s the place where we are supposed to be safe to be ourselves and celebrate those bonded to us. A place to experience warm memories, receiving support and strength when the going gets tough. A place where we are welcomed with joy and gladness, where we see ourselves reflected in God’s eyes.

The Bible has a lot to say about our hearts. Here is one of my favourite scriptures, from the Gospel of John:

"Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. ² In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you." John 14:1

I would say that in my life, I have never really had a home, or felt entirely at home anywhere. In my family home growing up, no one talked about all the ‘elephants’ that were in the house- my mother’s terrible boyfriend choices and my father’s drinking, for example. As a family, we talked only about safe subjects that had little emotional attachment, such as the neighbours, the weather, or the grocery list. It was not a place where my heart could be at rest.

Living in a relational desert causes a relational drought, and this drought brought me to Jesus. I was looking for answers for how to live...and how to love.  Slowly, slowly, slowly, His Word, His presence and His people have been thawing me out and and showing me examples of how to love. I was diagnosed with CPTSD about eleven years ago, and it has been a wild ride learning what that is and what to do about it, ever since.

One of the unfortunate consequences of trauma and a feature of CPTSD is something called dissociation. When something extremely traumatic has happened to a person, it can trigger a flight / flight / freeze or fawn response. If you are unable to physically escape that situation, your mind will literally split off part of your emotional awareness, so that you can survive the overwhelming terror. People can be living with many scattered pieces of themselves that are not integrated with each other, and may not be connected to Jesus either. However, Jesus specialises in mending broken hearts.

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me because He has anointed Me
To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the broken-hearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives…." Luke 4:18

Until four months ago, I lived in a permanent state of dissociation. As I had always been that way, I didn’t know it wasn’t a normal state of being. I have always been ‘somewhere else’.  My attention, personality, and being present within a situation, had always been ‘somewhere else’. And so, I was never at home- anywhere. It hasn’t mattered what house I’ve lived in, what area, or what country, with people, or by myself, because I was never totally present. But where had I gone? Well, it turns out that the Father and Jesus knew. Two crucial experiences recently occurred, over the space of two weeks.

The first was where Jesus drew me back to the memory of a traumatic event, where He had already ministered into some years before. I was hiding with Jesus, and I said to Him, “Will you take me somewhere safe?”

The next thing I saw in the vision was myself, drinking hot chocolate, in a hospital bed. Jesus was sitting nearby on an upright chair, with a notepad and pen.

He asked me, ”What does this girl believe about herself?”

I thought for some time, and then replied. “She doesn’t know who she is. She doesn’t know how to live and she doesn’t know if anyone’s listening.”

Jesus smiled at me, and then wrote down my three statements. He looked at me again, smiled, and wrote down His response with three replies, underneath the statements I had made:

“I know who she is. I will show her how to live, and I am always listening.”

The next thing I saw was Jesus and I coming up out of a dark place, and then walking down a busy, sunlit street.

The second event, a week later, was with the Father and Jesus. I suddenly saw a very little girl, maybe three or four years of age, and I immediately realised that I was looking at myself. Jesus and the little girl were standing next to a baggage carousel in an airport. I was trying to push a trolley piled high with heavy black cases.

Jesus said to me:

“My Father has been taking care of you here. These black bags are bags of bad things that people have said to you. He has stopped you from coming back from this place to yourself, because if He had allowed you to return, you would have believed that these black bags of ‘bad’ were actually who you were.”

I suddenly realised that I was looking at my original ‘self’; the person the Father had created in the beginning. I looked back at Jesus, who was unpacking the trolley and putting the bags on the conveyor belt. The little girl tried to help a little, and Jesus let her help Him. Soon, all the bags were on the conveyor, and we watched as it started moving. However, instead of leading to a window and the aircraft, the conveyor led to a roaring fire. All the bags disappeared into the flames. Jesus picked the little girl up and she snuggled comfortably into His arms.

I have been different ever since. I no longer permanently feel as though part of me is ‘somewhere else’. I actually feel totally here, properly present, by myself and also when I am with others. And what is the most beautiful, is that I am now fully present with Jesus and can engage fully in conversation with Him and the Father. Jesus’ words in John 14 are becoming my experience:

^"Jesus answered and said to him, "If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him." John 14:23

Is it time for you to come home? The Father’s house is waiting for you.

Heather McGavock 12 / 03 / 22



Our thanks to Heather for being this month's Blog contributor